Bum Reviews: Mass Effect 3 - Omega
by DinoJake
Summary: Chester is one of the lawless of the galaxy (because vagrancy and drug use are crimes in citadel space).


_And now it's time for Bum Reviews. With Chester A. Bum._

_Tonight's Review..._**Mass Effect 3: Omega**

...

OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST DLC I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE!

Don't. _Fudge. _With the SPOILERS!

So we go off on yet _another _adventure with Commander Shepard!

And he meets ARIA!

AND ARIA IS LIKE:

"Shepard. I need your help taking back Omega."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"You mean you're losing Omega to Cerberus is actually gonna go somewhere now?"

"Harty har, Commander. If you must know, Bioware needed _something _for future DLC, and I drew the short straw."

So we find out Cerberus is being ruled by General Petronominov!

...Petrovonon.

Wait.

Petrovala

Petrovioli

Petrolololo

Parsley...

Parsnip...

Parley?

That's the one! Parley! **PARLEY!**

And what did General Parley do?

He. _Fudged. _With Aria.

GASP!

STUFF IS ABOUT GO DOWN!

Remember; Mormon.

SO SHEPARD IS LIKE:

"Don't worry Aria. My badass crew and I will help you retake Omega!"

"You can't bring them."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't like them."

"But-"

"THIS DISCUSSION IS OVER"

*Aria boots Shepard out of the car.*

So Shepard meets Aria in her flagship!

AND GENERAL PETROLEUM IS LIKE:

"I say turn back."

AND ARIA IS LIKE:

"Let's see what you've got."

AND THE GENERAL IS LIKE:

"Okay. Mr. Sulu. Open fire."

So the General opens fire on Aria's fleet!

AND ARIA'S LIKE:

"Set a collision course with Omega. We're gonna ram it!"

AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:

"What?"

"Don't worry. We'll _probably _survive the crash."

"Aria don't be stupid. We need to evac."

"Okay. Let's evac."

Well that was oddly easy.

So Aria, Shepard and the two red shirts I MEAN minor character pile into an escape pod!

AND THEN:

The escape pod crashes into Omega!

And the two minor nameless characters die!

WHAT A TWIST!

AND THEN:

They fight their way to the defense systems station and turn off the outer defenses!

AND GENERAL PEDRO IS LIKE:

"So it begins."

And then he knocks over a holographic chess piece with a real one!

Wait.

How do you knock over a hologram?

So Aria and Shepard keep fighting through Omega and then they meet Nyreen!

Wait.

OH MY GOD!

A TURIAN _LADY_!

They said they didn't exist. They said I was crazy. BUT I KNEW!

So Shepard, Aria and Nyreen fall back to Aria's bunker!

AND ARIA'S LIKE:

"Nyreen. You stay here. Bray. Keep an eye on her."

"Will do ma'am! I won't take my eye off-"

*notices Nyreen is gone.*

"You suck, Bray."

"I know."

So Aria and Shepard go off in search of THE TALONS!

So they enter talon territory to recruit the talons to fight for Omega!

But then they find out that Nyreen is the leader of the talons!

WHAT A TWIST!

AND THEN:

Nyreen takes Aria and Shepard to the Talons' secret hideout!

AND THEN:

Aria gives this BIG SPEECH!

"Cerberus thinks they have you beaten! They are sorely mistaken!"

"You are the lawless of the galaxy!"

"Together, we will take Omega back!"

AND SHEPARD IS LIKE:

"Awesome speech, Aria."

AND NYREEN IS LIKE:

"Aria, you gave that speech so that civilians will pick a fight with Cerberus soldiers and get themselves killed!"

"Nonsense! She's inspiring the people by-"

"Actually Shepard, Nyreen's right. I'm totally using Omega's civilian population as cannon fodder."

"...Really?"

"Yup."

"Wow, you're kind of a bitch."

"You're just now realizing this?"

AND THE SALARIAN NAMED ASS IS LIKE:

"If you overload this reactor, you'll bring down all the forcefields!"

So Shepard and Aria and Nyreen go into the mine to shut down the reactor.

But they have to go through this dark room with an adjective lurking around.

AND I WAS LIKE:

"Oh man, oh man, oh man, it's the tungsten mining colony all over again!"

And this GREAT BIG ADJECTIVE SHOWS UP!

**"YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!"**

AAAAH! SHOOT IT!

BANG BANG BANG BANG!

Is it just me or has Bioware been sporting a serious horror boner lately?!

So the three of them fight their way through the mines and reach the reactor!

But it's a trap!

So a hologram of the General shows up!

AND GENERAL PELIPPER IS LIKE:

"You might as well give up."

"Shame you're on the Illusive Man's side, General."

"I'm on _Humanity's _side, Commander."

AND THEN:

Aria forces a hole in the force field!

AND THEN:

Shepard leaps through!

AND THEN:

Shepard fights his way to the control room!

AND GENERAL PAPA SMURF IS LIKE:

"That reactor also powers life support! You overload it, you'll kill thousands!"

AND ARIA IS LIKE:

"Don't care. PRESS THE FUCKING OVERLOAD!"

"You hear that, Commander? She would sacrifice thousands of her own people to save her hide. THAT is who you are fighting for. So you have to ask yourself; are you _really _on the right side, here?"

AND I'M LIKE:

Woah. An antagonist who challenges Commander Shepard's moral decisions and alignments.

What an appropriate villain for a game series about choices and consequences.

Screw Kei Leng! THIS GUY should've been the game's primary antagonist!

So Shepard reroutes power from the force fields, shutting them down!

HOORAY!

But Cerberus sets up bombs to blow up Omega's central column.

Huroo.

AND THEN:

Aria and Shepard fight their way to the bombs!

AND THEN:

Aria and Shepard shut down the bombs!

AND THEN:

Aria and Shepard fight through the Cerberus adjective labs!

AND THEN:

They finally reach Afterlife!

AND THEN:

Nyreen dies!

NOOOOOOO!

Not the Turian Lady!

She was the last of her kind!

AND ARIA'S LIKE:

"Now it's personal!"

And then she charges into Afterlife!

AND GENERAL PIPI LONGSTALKING IS LIKE:

"A shame that female Turians are now extinct, because of _your _petty ambitions."

"You're a dead man!"

So Aria leaps towards the General!

And then gets caught in a forcefield!

So Shepard has to run around past Cerberus soldiers and adjectives to shut down the forcefield generators!

AND THE WHOLE TIME SHEPARD WAS LIKE:

"CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP. Oh wait. That's right. I'm an infiltrator."

*cloaks*

AND GENERAL DANIEL DAY-LEWIS IS LIKE:

"I surrender."

AND ARIA IS LIKE:

"I should kill you. But since you're actually an interesting and well-written antagonist, I'll let you live."

So the General is taken into custody to become a war asset!

AND ARIA IS LIKE:

"I'm back! And I promise to be less of a bitch from here on out!"

AND BRAY IS LIKE:

"I hate my job."

AND SHEPARD IS LIKE:

"Me too."

This is Chester A. Bum saying: CHANGE?! YA GOT CHANGE?! AH, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA?! COME ON, CHANGE!

Come on, man! I need money so I can go to Afterlife! Chester's seein' some bluebies tonight!

...

**Seriously though; Omega was pretty good.**

**...Say, didn't Aria have a dead daughter? Thought that would be mentioned somewhere in this DLC. Seemed kind of important.**


End file.
